Live Vividly Without Self-Editing
It's 11:11 on Wednesday, make a wish ✨
The way I answer “how are you?” has changed.
I used to respond with “growth language,” meaning, I’d share my experience and then qualify it with exactly how I’d coached myself to approach everything correctly.
That’s not communication. It shuts people out, in a way.
Communication without self-editing (or being coached) is the topic of today’s edition.
I probably learned self-editing speech growing up with a parent who would insert their coaching if any part of my sharing didn’t align with their approach.
We all know people like this. Brilliant, highly evolved people who really do have helpful advice… to the self-righteous and excessively critical folks. They almost can’t help coaching all the time. I used to like that culture… but I’m over it these days.
I can always ask for listening and not advice, but I’d rather not have to when I’m answering “how are you?”
I have a therapist for feedback.
The subtext of offering ‘another way to look at it’ or ‘here’s how you could fix that’ is, ‘you haven’t figured this out, you’re going the wrong way, and you need my help.’
No one really means to communicate that. But being present with someone in their experience is far more supportive and empowering.
I used relate this way a LOT. I must have been exhausting to be around.
Wanting to be helpful, wanting to offer the positive spin on someone’s experience, and missing that they want to feel seen exactly as they are and trusted to do their best.
So when I ask how someone is doing and they respond with how they should feel and respond, it feels like getting a clinical ‘right answer’ instead of their lived experience. It leaves me with, “Did they think I was quizzing them? 😕”
When I was fixated on growth, I only wanted to talk about ‘breakthroughs.’ But…
It’s not spiritual or mature to edit out raw emotions.
In fact, I think it takes more courage to fully feel them while responding powerfully… like a parent letting a child cry from a fall even while they get up to try again.
Irrational emotions will always be there. They are part of our humanity. Feeling them and sharing them doesn’t mean we’re controlled by them, and rejecting them blocks intimacy.
That’s what happens when personal growth gets in the way of communication.
I’ve noticed that when I share my thoughts and feelings and projects in a jumble and my friends asks questions and nods and laughs and then shares their own, I feel so connected and fulfilled.
And the great thing about my community in Austin is that they want to just be together, not impress each other. Quiet maturity, easy connection. No coaching.
And it’s wonderful.
Run a 24-Hour Experiment
When someone asks how you’re doing, share from your experience. No editing.
Notice if they listen to you generously or try to coach and fix it.
Or… feel free to ignore this suggestion, you’re already great. ♡
Upcoming Events:
The paint and sip event on Sunday was a hit!
Please reply with any events you’d be interested in joining: Like a fun and approachable communication workshop, or a tin foil sculpture session?
Vivid Parlor 3 will be coming in the next few months! I applied for a community art event grant (whoa) and am waiting to hear back. :)